Circumstances 

Certain circumstances allow us to realize what we may have lost without meaning to. Forbidden to entertain opinions of others, I hold onto the thoughts that when something is wrong I have no one to turn to but myself. Nobody can understand me, the way that I can understand myself. But that can’t be right … can it be? I used to think that nobody cared to know my problems. My thoughts. My deepest fears. But then I met someone. Who wanted me to open up and be genuinely vulnerable. Not to take advantage of me ; but just to give me a chance to vent and express myself without a filter. Where have you been all of my life?! I use journals as my outlet , but when there is someone to sit there and listen to my crazy thoughts and allow me to reason within myself .. It feels good. Certain circumstances allow me to be vulnerable but considering the fact that my past has not been incredibly giving ; I still have my moments where I clam up and do not want to give in – I don’t want anyone to know my struggles and my deepest fears. Why impose that on someone else ? But it’s always good to know that I can have that option. Keep an eye open for those that just want to listen without necessarily assaulting you with their opinions and judgements. 

xoxx. – Des. 

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10.23

After the recent events that have occurred this past week, knowing 6 days ago you were alive and well, kills me – but also makes my pain a little less obvious. To say I haven’t had a moment will be a lie – but to know that you are forever resting makes my heart a little lighter. Seeing you in the casket made it all very real, but still I felt, that at any moment you would jump out and say “just kidding” just like your sense of humor allowed you to make jokes of things all of the time. But watching you rest there last night, and remain the same position this morning & seeing you being lowered down into the ground to rest your head forever, made it all too real for me. I’ve never had to experience losing someone who was a friend. And it is the worst pain because it was so unexpected and sudden. To know that 5 days ago you were at my job, drinking and watching the Mets win yet another game- makes me tear up because you were always the life of the party. I’ve never lost someone who wasn’t a family member – and although the pain is different and very difficult to endure – I know it will subside and allow me to remember all of the happier times we’ve shared. So thank you. Thank you for being there when I needed to vent, and thank you for giving me advice when you knew something was going on.  Thank you for always being there when I needed someone to lift my spirits because you were such a beautiful and happy soul, I know that will live on forever. 
You will never be forgotten. 

We love and miss you so much 

Rest peacefully 

xoxx – Des. 

10.17

My heart, it physically hurts.

Knowing you’re not here anymore. Knowing you will not come walking through the doors of my job, demanding a drink and food. I can not seem to wrap my head around it, and now that it is 3:49 am I realize that around this time yesterday – you were hurting. You were wounded, you were getting rushed into surgery without anyone knowing and that is what hurts my heart. It’s as if, every picture I had of you somehow disappeared and the frustration is overwhelming, but my heart it hurts so much more. Having you in my life for ten years – and now knowing you’re gone … I can not  process it all. THIS is my outlet … my way of expressing how badly hurt this has made me. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I don’t understand why this hurts so badly. But then realizing, who it is I am crying over – makes it that much easier to comprehend. When you meet someone who is such a beautiful soul – someone who has such a naturally funny character and someone who genuinely looks out for your well being … it makes a bigger impact on you than you make think. I never underestimated my love for you, as someone I looked up to (or eye level with because you were short like me) someone who would give me advice, but not in a lecturing type of way , but in a “I care about you, so listen so I don’t have to beat anyone’s ass” type of way. You are so beautiful in every aspect, and I say “are” because I can not accept the fact that you’re gone. I can not accept the fact that this wasn’t your fault and you fought for hours, and you didn’t make it. I can not come to terms with the fact that I will not (no matter how much I may try) ever be able to see you walk through the doors of my job unexpectedly and ask for a drink and some food. My heart, it physically hurts knowing when I have kids .. they will never get to experience a person that is as full of life and spunk and overall joy, the way you are (were?) Your words will forever be engraved into my soul, and this date will never leave my mind. I am sorry I didn’t call you as randomly as I should’ve , but knowing that you’re gone .. I can not accept it – so if I call your phone don’t look at me as if I am crazy. I will forever be here for your family .. for you, you were the older brother I never had .. the uncle when I needed guidance – but most importantly a friend that I knew would only lift me up and support me, and for that I can not be sad … only grateful. But this pain in my heart, I don’t know when it will go away – if it ever will go away. All I can hope is that we all make you proud and you didn’t suffer any pain, because you did not deserve any negativity in your life. I can honestly say you were the most trusting, loyal and all around beautiful person I’ve ever had in my life. To have shared moments with you for as long as I was able to, is in itself a blessing.

I love you Joe, I hope you Rest so beautifully.

xoxx- Des.

Sincerest regrets.

Currently having that moment where I wish I can turn back time & never have to meet you , never smile at the obviously unfunny joke — but decided to laugh anyway because I thought you were genuinely trying to win me over .. & that smile – well let’s be honest, THAT is what won me over.

The moment where nothing else matters except for my own well being and genuine happiness.

Currently having that moment where I can honestly admit that I am not happy and perhaps I am not perfect & do have flaws .. But me owning up to my flaws is more than you have ever done & probably will be more than you will ever do within this relationship — actually this … Situation-ship that we have going on.

My mind is currently replaying that moment where I knew about the other females .. Home wreckers . Sluts. Whores. Bitches. Conniving low-lives and poor excuses for women .. Yeah those moments that I wish I didn’t have to ever have locked away in my time capsule of a brain.

Replaying my desires to just get up and leave. I am currently in that moment where nothing else but my well being and genuine happiness matters & no matter how many times I may ask you to do something, you’d still find an excuse to not do it & you would rather hang out .. Or go to the gym .. Or relax – than see me because once a week is already too many times & I need to understand that.

Currently having that moment where I thought being reasonable and playing situations out in my head was the best possible thing to do because I was better than that .. I AM better than that.

These moments are just that .. Stationary situations wrecking my brain trying to either escape or engrave a space where they can call home. Moments I live for .. But coming to the realization that I do not have to live for you. My happiness means a lot more to me than you do, and now that these moments have passed it is with my sincerest regrets that I must inform you that I am very much so – over these topsy turvy rollercoaster rides. I am sick of digging into a lecture book of seemingly easy ‘rights and wrongs’, dos and don’ts that you (like an untrained puppy) still can not seem to abide by.

xoxx – Desiree.

Don’t get too comfortable 

After a brief Hiatus , I’m back again as if I never was gone. Sending my good vibes your way, I hope those that check in & those who follow had a safe & healthy weekend so far. Now back to business. 

Forgetting those from your past, ah what a task that is I would be lying if I said that a certain someone (or group of someones) haven’t crossed my mind on occasion. Old friends, old flames, or those random people you meet on vacation- everyone makes an impact on our lives one way or another. I’ve never underestimated the impact someone may have on me & now more than ever I feel like I’m progressively moving forward with life, somewhat wondering what has happened to the people I used to be so close to. Where are they now ? sure I see them on occasion OR through the infamous IG , but for those who never post – I’m left creating a false picture in my head based on the last initial memory they branded into my brain. The pure sensation they left on my soul, lingers and tingles when I see them again after so long. The actual length of time varies between people, sometimes I can go years before actually thinking about what they’re doing with their lives, sometimes months, and then there are those that I have to check in with daily or weekly – before I start making up scenarios in my own brain. Those who act like they miss you, but really don’t … ahh THOSE are my favorite. 

After having a random weekend, my brain is on a constant rotation after seeing some old faces, and some very new ones – the memories I had with those that I’ve had past encounters with come forward & are a constant memory reel. I’ve learned to keep quiet about some memories and just laugh to myself. But there are others that I HAVE TO let out & speak about. Texting can only release so much .. writing in my own personal journal/ diary or blog feels much more at home for me & although I can’t say names or any sort of identifying feature, numerous memories (both pleasing and horrid) played in my head on my drive back home from Astoria. Making some new aquaintences and adding memories with those I’ve known for some time now .. it goes to show that you never know who belongs in your life after years pass. 

xoxx – Des

Ex-cuse My Prior Behavior.

This is for all of my (although there weren’t many) ex-lovers & ex-friends. To those that I have hurt or have hurt me in the past ; I apologize or I forgive you & not because the New Year is around the corner ; but because I need to have a peace of mind knowing I have no enemies but that seems pretty impossible & unrealistic given my personality and blunt mouth. 

 This is for the ex-boyfriend who’s friendship I will forever cherish, the one who I shared many rough times with at an early age ; the one who knew some of my darkest secrets & never told a soul even when we split. I thank you for keeping my dirty laundry in your closet and never airing it out (sounds gross but it’s deeper than the literal meaning) 

This is for the friend I lost when I lied about the way I felt toward someone & it hurt you in the end. May all of your travels end in a safe flight home & your passport be filled with stamps and mind be compacted with memories that will last a lifetime. 

 This is for a friend since middle school ; who has blessed me with the greatest gift beside being a mother ; although our bond isn’t what it used to be – my love for you & your growing family will never deteriorate or fade. 

 This is to my other half, the chocolate to my vanilla self – one of NYCs finest – who risks their life everyday ; you – sweetheart are a hero. 

 This is to my new friends, whom I’ve met through old friends –
The rapper, the singer, the ladies I met in college & the Halloween fighter (winks). WHERE HAVE YOU ALL BEEN ALL OF MY LIFE ?! 

 This is for my friend that without; life wouldn’t be the same – my most drunk and embarrassing moments are shared with you & the bond we have is indescribable, that hammer keeps spinning in my head & I still laugh thinking about it. 

 This is for my love – my friend & foe all in one ; the person who hurts me but tends to make it better by smiling. The one who I can see a future with because I rise above all of the absolute & utter bullshit I’ve been put through with you yet always manage to come out on top. 

 This is for my ray of sun ; no words can describe my feelings toward you or what this friendship has bloomed to become. you’re hard working & intelligent beyond belief ; probably one of the very few females that I can hold an intellectual conversation with. my little nerd ❤ 

 This is for the kind sir who walks in and out of my life unexpectedly ; someone my mom absolutely adores ; yet someone who gets under my skin as much as I do for him. I wish you nothing but happiness ; as we’ve learned a while ago it can never be with one another – you are still amazing. 

 This is for the other friend who has walked into my life after a VERY LONG (& I stress) VERY LONG hiatus … ummm good luck with your whole situationship, no hard feelings. 

 This is for my Catchastar ; although we don’t always see one another ; my love for you is through the roof & past the moon – you are one of the most amazing women I know. 

 All of the ladies in my life are. & those few gentleman are .. well you guys are just phenomenal in every aspect. 

 Oh & to all of my enemies who still don’t like me after I apologized .. well you just must not love life. 

xoxx – Des.

Take a Bow.

… and the award for the best lie goes to you for making me believe that you could be faithful to me let’s hear your speech …

Regardless of what some may say ; the fact of the matter is that we are our own worst enemy in times when our thoughts control our whole existence. Our whole sense of self-worth is strictly overtaken by our own minds and countless acts of digressing into past thoughts. We tend to over think the small stuff and do not think enough about the things that are blatantly wrong. Forgiving those who have obviously hurt us and utterly hating those who had no loyalty with us to begin with .. welcome to the mind of a woman who has been cheated on. Without understanding the reasons as to why we can’t seem to let go of those who hurt us, we drag ourselves through an endless cycle of kicking ourselves in the ass for forgiving those who have hurt us the most. Not because we like the hurt and torture and thoughts that overtake our brain every single time  we may see that persons face or smell a scent similar to theirs .. oh no – but because we idiotically still love that one person – the same person who a couple of months, years, or days ago hurt us and left us crying with a face full of mascara dripping and staining our faces to resemble a raccoon. Of course there are things that we can not stand about that person, they are jealous, they’ve gained weight – they talk too much , they’re lazy .. yet we still find ourselves infatuated in the thought of “what if?” What if they finally understand that there is no reason to be jealous? What if they get up one day and decide to go to the gym to ease their stress rather than indulge on ice cream? *I am guilty of this, and totally fine with admitting that my obsession with ice cream is pretty scary*

What if they realize that not everything needs an answer and it is okay to sometimes be silent .. and silence doesn’t mean there is an awkwardness between you two – it is simply some time for ourselves .. What if they finally decide to wash a dish .. or two .. or a whole sink full? (hey a girl can dream can’t she?)

But the question many can not answer (myself included) is the simple WHY?!  WHY do we allow ourselves to focus on one person who had no desire to think about us while they were going about their own sexual fantasies? WHY do we find ourselves hovering over either a toilet bowl or pint (in my case a bucketful) of ice cream? WHY can we not get over the fact that there are over 7 Billion people in the world, yet we are stuck on that one person who continuously hurts us?

Although these are all rhetorical questions, I can not help but go on and vent about what goes on in my mind. This blog – acts as my diary, my own personal journal to release any thoughts that I may have. Forgetting the world around me and focusing on one (or numerous) on-going thoughts in my mind ; I can only hope that someone out there … someone within the ever-growing population of 7 Billion can relate to my emotional random rants.

xoxx – Des.